I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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