AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
