Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Randomize
