Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
