she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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