I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
