How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
