Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
