I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
