Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
