I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
