I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
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