Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
