The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
