Soap is not a condiment
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
