she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
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Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
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I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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