Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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