I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
