After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
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