I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
