I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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