Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
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