my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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