I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Randomize
