If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Randomize
