Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
