I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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