I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
