yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
