Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
