You're a womanizer and a bitch.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
