There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
