you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Randomize
