I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
