Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
