ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
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