id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Randomize
