I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
