Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
