So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
