You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I didn't notice because vodka
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Randomize
