I accidentally had phone sex last night
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
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I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
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You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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