I think I won the penis lottery.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
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