dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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