jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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