Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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