i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
