I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
