Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
