You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
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