Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
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