just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Randomize
