where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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