My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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