I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
