you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
