he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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